When dealing with cold callers can be quite fun

Today, I had another cold caller. The audio clip accompanying this post shows that I have some form when it comes to dealing with these poor sods. I didn’t have a chance to record today’s encounter, but I’ve transcribed it to the best of my recollection. Throughout the call, both I and the person on the other end were quite clearly struggling not to laugh.

Cold caller: Can I speak to Sir David Clark, please?
Me: Speaking.
Cold caller: I’m calling to conduct a short survey. It won’t take more than a minute. Is that OK?
Me: Fire away.
Cold caller: Are you in employment or retired?
Me: I own most of Poland.
Cold caller: Thank you. And what are your earnings? £0-20,000? £20-40,000? £40-70,000? Over £70,000.
Me: Over £70,000. Owning a country is quite lucrative.
Cold caller: Do you own any property?
Me: Just a country.
Cold caller: Do you have any life insurance?
Me: Owning Poland has been sufficient insulation against most things, I’ve found.
Cold caller: Do you have a pension scheme?
Me: Yes. Owning Poland.
Cold caller: Would you be interested in any investments around £5,000?
Me: What countries have you got? What can I get for five grand?
Cold caller: Just to check, is your postcode still GL11…
Me: No, it’s P-O-L-A-N-D. Poland.
Cold caller: Thank you. Would you be interested in a free pension review?
Me: No thank you. Must get back. Poland needs me.
Cold caller: Thank you.

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